Lately, I've felt like my life is in limbo. Everything seems to have just plain stopped around me, and I am left wondering if I'll ever climb forward, or remain on this lonely plateau of existence.
A lot of this has to do with my writing career, and the state of my monetary prospects. There are several big things that might be happening in the next few months, but if they don't happen I'll be stuck in the same place I've always been, wanting and waiting. I can't express in words the torturous nature of my current predicament.
More than ever before, I know that now is the time; a make or break moment is coming, and it will forever determine the course of my life. The utter uncertainty can be absolutely frustrating, but at least I have hope. Without that glimmering inkling of possibility, there is no point to life, so as long as I can strive for the mark, and actually have some rational chance at success, I'll find the strength to carry on.
It is a lonely road, for certain, and in recent months I've felt very much alone in all things. The friends of my past are long gone, and the associates of recent years seem to have shirked away, either distracted or disinterested in me. I know there are those of you out there who really understand, and I thank you for your consideration. I just wish there were a lot more of you.
Art has its price, and I fear I have sacrificed so much in my personal life in the name of my own creations. I have lost face to some, and at times I feel that I've compromised my self-respect for the chance to keep writing. Every day, I must ask myself, "Will it be worth it?" knowing I have no alternative but to find out. This is a tough gamble I've made with my very life. I'll either succeed in the end, or I won't. Either way, there is no other path open to me at this point. I've gone too far to turn back, so I'll just have to stick to my guns.
I know that my big break is just around the corner, but whether I'll ever turn that corner is another question entirely. I yearn for the day where I'll be able to share the big news, something that will make everyone interested once again.
Martin, In many ways I understand how you feel. I have taken time away from my kids, my husband, and my friends to write. I've been writing for 15 years with very little to show for it. So I know exactly what you mean about the price we pay to write. That being said, I decided to stop investing time in agents and publishers. I plan to self-publish this year. It's an uncertain road, but I'm ready to make the leap. If I am going to work hard, it may as well be for myself. I hope things take a positive spin for you. I can be a cyber friend if you need one. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you Susan for your support. You certainly know the harsh struggle of the writing life, and the sacrifices involved.
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, things can actually feel worse when you start to get success. It's thrilling to get books into print and see initial sales, but as things level off you find a whole new set of emotions settling in, wondering if you can ever reach that next rung on the ladder.
Right now, I'm sitting on a big secret that I just can't talk about until I hear back from someone. Getting the word could either be the best or worst news of my life, and that is adding some pressure.