Where I Am Now

 I'm loath to write about myself these days, because to be perfectly honest, it's painful.  The last few years have taken a toll on me, and the past six months have tested and tortured me.  Some of it I brought on myself with poor decisions and allowing myself to be manipulated, though much of it has been beyond my control.

Each day is still a trial.  I am anxious and sad, but I never have the chance to work on it because there's a constant series of events that keep getting in the way, and I'm too busy trying to address everyone else's problems.

I get triggered all the time by people and what they say and how they say it, but I have to suck it up or let it go.  That's what a lot of people would say a man is supposed to do, and it's what those of us who don't live in ivy-league, rose-tinted luxury have no alternative but to do, but it can suck having to ignore my own emotional needs.  The people who care about me don't realize the full extent of what I'm going through, but most people don't care at all.

Exactly when can I stop hurting?  When do my mental needs become a priority.

I still have a family that keeps me going, but they all have issues that I'm dealing with.  My youngest daughter has a mental disorder that requires that she have constant supervision, my son has had issues with substance abuse, and my middle daughter has bouts of depression and anxiety.  My father is elderly and back to being a workaholic, but he is willing to help, though he gives a bit of attitude and gets pissy about it sometimes.  That in itself isn't helpful when I feel bad enough asking for help.  And on top of that, I have a serious, live-in girlfriend who has her own emotional problems from an abusive childhood.

I feel like I'm writing way too much, but I have to do something to get this garbage off my chest.

Physically, I'm not doing as well, either.  I hide how sick I feel, and I'm not sure how much of it is just psychosomatic and what is actually illness.  I've been feeling weaker than normal, exhausted, achy, and I've been forgetting things.  My left knee has been a concern but the doctors said it was just patellar tendinitis.  I've felt my heart rate and blood pressure going up which concerns me.  I get headaches frequently, and sometimes "aura" headaches, where I see a glow which leaves me unable to see for a few minutes (though this is nothing new and I've had them on and off for my entire adult life).

So forgive me if I'm getting a little tired of playing with the puzzle pieces of my life and wondering when I'll get a break.  I'm still here, and I'm doing my best, but I need people to help me and stop beating me down.  In time, I might finally get back to a place where I can enjoy living, though right now I have to wait, and work to make sure others can find some enjoyment out of my continued existence.