Soul Searching 2020

It’s been a long time since I blogged, and it’s about time I got

back to it.  The past 5 years have really been hard on me, but at long last I’m beginning to feel more like my old self.  I’ve been through a lot, and had some major personal transformations in recent years.  I hope this year brings me back, full circle, to the man I once sought to be.  That being said, I see there is still a ways to go.

Starting the new year, I find myself with a heavy heart regarding a decision that I must make.

Last Thanksgiving, I finally broke down and purchased a DNA test from Ancestry.com.  It’s something I have wanted to do for years, and when they had a half-off special I couldn’t say no anymore.  So, the results came in just after New Year’s, and while the data I received pretty much confirmed what I’d already known about my heritage, it also has presented me with a critical decision to make.

Growing up, I was told a tale from my mother’s past, about a child she gave up for adoption when she was 16.  I won’t go into detail on this public blog, as it was and still is a very personal family story, but needless to say it’s something I have always wondered about.  Who wouldn’t be curious about a long-lost half brother?  But this adoption took place 18 years before I was born, and it was a closed adoption, where identities were kept secret, so I never thought I would ever know anything about him.

Yet, now my DNA has opened up a doorway to the truth.

Ancestry DNA gave me a match for someone I never expected. Mind you, it took a little bit of research to figure it out, as Ancestry can only approximate relationships with their tests, but based on my mother’s tale and the genetic makeup of the individual, I can say with little doubt that it is my half-nephew that took this DNA test.  Exciting, right?  However, it’s also a little scary, because I have no idea how to proceed.

I did send a short message to my nephew, basically saying that I noticed our close genetic link and offered to talk if he’s interested, but I sent it through Ancestry, and he’s not active at all.  I don’t even know if he received the message, or if he’d be receptive to talking... and I have no idea if his father, my long lost half brother, would want to either.

I’m afraid to be disruptive.

From the little digging I’ve done, I have learned that my half brother has had a fairly good life, and is seemingly happy and successful, so why should he want to know me?  I’m just from a biological mother he never knew, one who gave him away.  Would it be more than morbid curiosity to learn that I exist?  Could he ever consider me family?  Why should he? Blood is blood, but some people couldn’t care less about that, especially some raised by loving adopted parents.

So I’m not sure where I should go from here.  Part of me wants to try other avenues to contact my brother, but part of me thinks it might be better to leave it alone.  There’s this big part of me that just wants to tell him about the biological family he’s never had the chance to know, but it would hurt a lot if he didn’t care and turned out to be annoyed by my intrusion into his life.

This has also left me soul searching, looking at my own life and wondering what I’ve become, and if I’m worth knowing.  Really, I’m not the man I want to be lately, and thinking about meeting undiscovered family has me reevaluating some things.  I need to get back to being the man I dreamed of becoming years ago.  If nothing else, this dilemma has given me a new perspective on life, and I’d better not waste it.

As always, comments are welcome.