Monday, May 23, 2011

Doomsday Is Always Tomorrow

Well, here it is, May 23, 2011.  So much for the doomsday predictions of all the gullible souls and false prophets (or should I say "Profits") who said the 21st would be the day of Rapture.  Yet again, the people of Earth have been given a reprieve, a stay of execution by the almighty.  Praise God!

I often laugh at these doomsday prophesies.  The world will surely end tomorrow, so you'd better send your money right away to Honest Martin's Salvation Station, to secure your seat beside God's throne.  It's only $19.95, and your donation is tax deductible!  Talk about a bargain; you can screw the government and buy your way into heaven all with one payment!

Yes, I can get pretty cynical at times, but I don't believe any human being knows exactly when the world will end.  The bible itself says as much (for those who actually read what they worship).  Those who say, "The end will come December 21st, 2012 at 3:35 AM Eastern Standard Time," are phonies, and I really wish people would stop rewarding their chicanery.  These doomsday preachers are always rolling in the dough, which just goes to prove the old P.T. Barnum saying, "There's a sucker born every minute."

Hey, if you've got money to give away, send it to me.  I could use it a heck of a lot more.  Now, on to the little poem I wrote for this grand occasion: The 2nd day after doomsday!

The world's gonna end
So the man says
Time to bow down and pray
You know he can't be wrong
Because his tie is so long
And his grin is worth a hundred grand

Doomsday, repent!
It's all over town
The end-days are here again
God's coming to claim his crown
Behold, God on high is going to
Rapture everyone tonight
Yes, we know the hour
Our televangelist must be right
How else could he offer us salvation
At such a discounted price?

The good book says
You'll never know the time
Yet the preacher says it's now
Death guaranteed for the unsaved heathens
And peaceful pastures for the faithful eternally
Just so long as you sign your house over
To the man with the doomsday sermon
For you won't need all that worldly wealth
Once you've been rightly raptured
Give up your gold to the prophet of the pulpit
And salvation will be yours
What will he do with it?
God only knows, but you know
He's got it coming to him

What of your pets?
They won't be raptured yet!
If you leave as rightly you should
They'll starve to death, for shame
Those poor little fuzzy souls
Will still need man's protection
For only $134.99,
The heathen will provide!
Send your credit card number
To the pagan online
And your pets will thank you for it

All the past predictions
Were always proven wrong
But we know it's coming true this time
So cry the sheepish throng
The end of days has been coming tomorrow
Since the dawn of time
Yet still we remain blind

The year was 999
They knew the end was at hand
Crops went unplanted, for Christ was coming
So many starved to death in 1000
Who misinterpreted the sign?

In 1839, the time had come
Or so predicted preachers
Across the fruited plain
Yet financial slumps recovered
And the doomsday predictions faded
Once again

When Heaven's Gate caught their comet
The rest of us flew on
Yet suicide suffered many for
incorrectly following the fanatical phony
who castrated himself for fun

In 1999, Y2K spelled doom
Yet 2000 rolled around,
With nothing but stars and sky
The computers didn't care
That year zero had arrived
In their binary time

In 1994, a preacher cried the end times
And nobody seemed to notice
Yet after he does it time and time again
His church is worth 76 million
What suckers believe his falsehood still?
This is such a racket
To grow fat upon the prophecies
Of unfulfilled promises of death
Yet we go on living
Searching for the light

Get your false hope elsewhere
And let the charlatans taste their just reward


  1. Hehehehe well said! I've been watching this business with a sense of comedy. I mean, how stupid can people be? And yet they fall for it again and again and again.

    Loved the poem, got right to the heart of the situation. Well done!


  2. I like the poem- it was extremely well said. But you know, he was "wrong." And it's supposed to be October 21st now. I mean, who would have thought? ;) If the world is going to end, let it. Let's just stop worrying about it.